Bereavement is an experience that touches everyone, but it is an event that no two people will experience in exactly the same way. Everyone’s experience of grief and loss is unique. It is normal to feel sad and even angry when a person close to us dies or leaves. (Some people can experience similar feelings when a relationship ends.)
Grief, although normal, can manifest itself differently in people. Some people move through its different stages almost effortlessly and others can get stuck at one stage. The process of grief does not happen in a linear fashion or from 1-10. The process is described more accurately as cyclical – ‘it is a cycle of loss’ and can manifest in many different ways. It is a process as unique as an individual person. It is a personal process. It is also a painful process but one that allows an individual to come to terms with the loss.
It is a process whereby it is best that the grieving person is allowed to express their feelings and emotions, safely and openly. Sometimes close family and friends have difficulty in allowing this to happen, not through a lack of compassion but through lack of understanding of grief. Often the advice given is “You´´ll be alright when….”, “once you start getting back into the old routine..”, “Don’t worry”, “It’s going to be okay”, “Try to get on with your life”, “You’ll be alright”.
And yes, often the person grieving will be alright once they have grieved and explored and dealt with their feelings and emotions sufficiently to move forward, especially if the loss was sudden.
The stages of grief are the same if the loss was sudden or expected. (Please note that loss can refer to not only the death of a loved one, but the ending of a relationship, the death of a pet, the loss of a job, title etc). Some of the stages of grief often include the following: denial and disbelief, alarm, anxiety, restlessness, loneliness, fear, anger, guilt, despair, and depression. There are also many more ways in which grief can manifest itself. The importance here is that if emotions and feelings are not explored and sufficiently dealt with, then grief can be responsible for physiological changes within the body causing grief to manifest physically. These physical symptoms of bereavement can include; tightness in the chest, breathlessness, lack of energy, confusion, hallucinations, disbelief, sleeplessness and lack of appetite.
In the case of bereavement, funeral services and memorials fill the early days of shock and disbelief with activity and other people, enabling some people to move through some of the early grieving process almost effortlessly and quickly. Unfortunately, once the funeral is over it is often then, that the person grieving needs support the most. For once the funeral is over, family and friends assume that the majority of grief has been dealt with and therefore it is time for them (the family and friends) to move on. This often leaves the person grieving feeling even more alone and helpless and without someone to talk to, which in turn can cause even more emotions and feelings to surface, such as hopelessness, exaggerated loneliness, uselessness and despair. Anger may raise it´s head once again, but this time it may be directed at the friends and family who are no longer around to support. All these different feelings and emotions can make the loss even more difficult to bear. Professional help may be needed to help make sense of these different feelings.
The main tasks of mourning are to accept the reality of the loss and to understand its significance, to work through the often confusing pain of grief; to adjust and adapt to life alone and to let go of the person whilst finding a place for them emotionally.
Counseling can help with this. It can offer an understanding of the mourning process; it can help with exploring areas that are difficult to move on from; it can help with adjusting to life alone and re-discovering that sense of self.
Talking about the loss of a loved one, a pet, or a job is usually helpful and allows a person to adjust to their new life with all its changes, good and bad. Keeping things bottled up, or denying the sadness can prolong the pain. Any loss has to be acknowledged for us to move forward.
Bereavement simply means finding a suitable place for the lost person/pet/job etc., to allow life to continue with adaptation and change, not forgetting or wiping out the memory.